Ending self-abandonment starts with knowing who you are
Most of us don't set out to abandon ourselves. It happens slowly. We learn to override ourselves early in life. There were moments when our truth didn't feel safe, welcome, or accepted. So we adjusted. We softened. We became who we needed to be to stay connected.
Over time, that became unconscious and automatic.
Eventually, we stop listening inward. We learn to look outside ourselves for cues, approval, and direction. This is how self-abandonment forms.
The shift out of that pattern begins with one realization: we don't actually know ourselves. We lost touch with ourselves in the adaptation.
That's what happened for me. I had been overriding myself for so long that my true self felt distant. The moment that woke me up was when a mentor asked me to write down 100 things I wanted. I took on the task and struggled to come up with ten. That boggled me. How did I not know what I wanted?
That realization sent me into self-discovery. I wasn't trying to fix anything. I simply knew I needed to understand myself.
Looking back, I can see that self-discovery was the first real step in ending self-abandonment. I had to meet myself before I could be loyal to myself.
The pattern of self-abandonment
Most of us override ourselves because we learned somewhere along the way that our truth could cost us connection. So we adapted.
That adaptation turns into people-pleasing. We start prioritizing other people's comfort and expectations over our own inner signals. We become highly attuned to what others need, feel, and want, and we prioritize that at all costs.
We learn to scan other people. We learn to read the room. We learn what's expected of us.
In all of that outward attention, we also lose touch with our own limits. Boundaries. Many of us were never taught about them. I didn't understand boundaries myself until years into therapy when a situation finally helped me see that I had no sense of them at all.
For so long, we learn how to adapt for approval and we aren't taught how to stay connected to ourselves.
Self-knowledge: The doorway to self-loyalty
How can we be loyal to ourselves if we don't know who we are? How can we trust ourselves if we haven't learned to listen inward? How can we stand in our truth if we haven't explored it?
Self-knowledge creates an internal anchor. It builds steadiness. It strengthens intuition. It brings clarity. It gives us ourselves back to stand on.
Knowing ourselves changes how we move through life. We start noticing our patterns. We sense when we're overriding ourselves. We recognize when something is aligned or off. We respond from a more grounded place.
Self-loyalty begins here. With knowing ourselves.
What self-knowledge provides
Once I started learning about myself, things began to shift. I stood more confidently in who I am. I accessed deeper layers of my truth. My mind became clearer. My opinions and thoughts felt easier to claim.
Self-knowledge is practical. It's learning your personality traits. Understanding your nervous system patterns. Getting clear on your wants, your needs, your opinions, and your values. Noticing what energizes you and what drains you. Recognizing how you move through relationships and pressure.
Research consistently shows that self-awareness improves emotional regulation, decision-making, relationship quality, and overall wellbeing. When we understand ourselves, we reduce internal conflict. We become more grounded. We respond with clarity rather than reacting from old conditioning.
Self-knowledge didn't make me perfect. It made me present. That presence changed how I showed up in my relationships, my decisions, and my daily life.
When I know myself, I can access myself. I can feel what's true. I can recognize when I'm overriding my needs. I can choose from alignment rather than habit.
Self-knowledge gives us solid ground to stand on. This is us creating a home inside ourselves.
4 simple ways to begin
Think curiosity, not self-improvement.
1.Use evidence-based assessments
Science-backed assessments reveal our patterns clearly and give language to what we already feel. The most insightful ones I've come across are curated on the assessments page.
2. Notice what drains you and what energizes you
Some people, places, or things fill our cup. Others quietly deplete us. Becoming aware of this gives us choice.
We don't have to eliminate everything that drains us. Life doesn't work that way. We can start saying no more often. And when we say no, a simple "no, I can't" is enough. No long explanation owed. When we feel it in the body and know inwardly it's a no, that's already the answer.
Learning to honor our inner no is part of coming back to ourselves.
3. Notice where you can be yourself
Pay attention to how you feel in your relationships.
Where can you be yourself? Where do you notice yourself performing or softening your truth?
Family dynamics can be complex. Even close friendships can hold patterns that pull us away from ourselves. This is where I noticed it most. In my closest relationships, I was the least myself.
When I began this work, I naturally started spending more time with myself and less time in environments that pulled me away from who I was becoming. I also started meeting new people who didn't have prior impressions of me. In those spaces, I could practice being my true self.
And here's what I know: the people who truly love us will eventually adjust and love us even more.
4. Journal without agenda
Open a doc, a note, or a journal and write with no agenda. No goal. Just let whatever wants to come out, come out.
Writing helps uncover what's hidden, release what's heavy, and make sense of what's happening within.
Some prompts to start with:
What do I want?
What do I want to feel more of in my life?
What feels true right now?
What am I tolerating that doesn't feel aligned?
Self-knowledge grows when we start asking ourselves questions and staying long enough to hear the answer. Even one clear answer is a step back to ourselves.
If this resonated and you want to go further:
The Inner Authority Reset is a self-guided experience designed to help you slow down, hear yourself, and take one grounded act of self-loyalty today.
