How to witness and understand yourself without external validation
There's a moment that happens quietly, almost without fanfare, when we realize something we've been chasing our whole lives was never actually what we needed.
We spend so much energy learning to be seen. To say the right thing. To show up in ways that feel digestible to others. To adapt, adjust, soften our edges so we fit into the rooms we're standing in.
And underneath all of that? There's a longing. A deep, persistent longing to feel seen. To be heard. To be understood.
We know this longing because we feel it. We feel it when someone finally gets what we've been trying to say and we exhale. We feel it when we're with someone who doesn't require us to explain ourselves. We feel it when we're known without having to perform.
That feeling matters. It's important. And here's what I learned, and what we're learning together: what felt powerful about being seen wasn't the approval. It was the witnessing.
The power was in the witnessing
When someone truly hears us, something shifts. We feel it in our body. We feel less alone. We feel like we matter. And we start to believe that this witnessing can only come from outside of us. We keep turning outward. We keep scanning the room. We keep asking, "Do they see me? Do they get me? Am I enough for them?" We make our worth dependent on the answer.
This is self-abandonment dressed up as connection.
But here's what the research tells us (and the for us shift, mentally).
Attachment theory research (Tronick, E. Z., 1989) shows us that even the most attuned caregivers are only attuned about 30% of the time. And that's enough. That's enough for secure attachment to form. We don't need perfect witnessing from others. We never did.
If 30% attunement from someone else is enough to make us feel secure, what becomes possible when we offer ourselves full, consistent attunement? When we become the one who is present for ourselves?
Becoming the one who listens
The work is becoming the one who listens inwardly. Without judgment. Without agenda. Without waiting for approval.
We can see ourselves. We can hear ourselves. We can understand ourselves. That's what actually matters.
This is a paradigm shift in thinking. We've been trained to look outside. To scan for cues. To read the room and adjust accordingly. We've been taught that our inner knowing isn't enough—that we need external confirmation to trust ourselves.
Neuroscience research on self-compassion (Neff, 2003) demonstrates that when we offer ourselves the same kind presence we'd offer a close friend, our nervous system responds as if we've actually received that care from someone else. The brain doesn't distinguish between internal and external sources of compassion.
Which means: the witnessing we give ourselves is as real and powerful as the witnessing we receive from others.
This is what actually matters. Not because others don't love us. But because we have the capacity to meet this need ourselves. We have the capacity to attune to ourselves in ways that calm our nervous system, steady our sense of self, and ground us in what's true.
When we become the one who sees, hears, and understands ourselves, something remarkable happens. We stop abandoning ourselves in the moment. We stop overriding what we know. We stop performing for an approval that may never satisfy us anyway.
We start meeting ourselves exactly where we are.
The practice: The question that changes everything
This is where we turn toward ourselves.
Instead of scanning a room and asking, "Do they get me?"—we ask ourselves, "Do I get me?"
That's the question. Let that land.
Do I get myself right now? Do I understand what I'm actually needing in this moment? Do I hear what I'm trying to say beneath the words? Do I see the work I'm doing to show up, even when it's hard?
This shift—from external validation to internal attunement—is everything.
When we ask "Do I get me?" we're inviting ourselves into the room. We're saying that our own witnessing matters. That our own understanding is valid. That we're worthy of our own attention.
We make different choices. We speak more truthfully. We stay closer to ourselves.
And from that place—from that grounded, self-loyal place—we can connect with others not because we need them to complete us, but because we're already whole and we're choosing to share that wholeness.
That's the shift. That's the work.
You are the one who can see, hear, and understand you. And that's what actually matters.
Self-attunement in action
Here's what this looks like in real time.
Pause.
In any moment—whether it's a conversation, a decision, a moment where you feel yourself shrinking—pause.
Notice your truth.
What are you actually feeling? What do you actually need? What are you saying with your words, and what are you saying with your silence? Notice without judgment. Just notice.
Name it.
Say it to yourself. Out loud if you can. "I'm feeling anxious." "I need space." "I don't actually agree with what I just said." "I'm proud of myself." Whatever it is. Name it. Let yourself hear it from your own lips.
Stay with it.
Don't rush to fix it. Don't rush to make sense of it for someone else. Don't rush to abandon it because it feels inconvenient. Stay with what's true for you. Sit with it. Breathe with it. Let yourself be witnessed by yourself.
This is self-attunement. This is what it means to be the one who sees, hears, and understands you.
Every single time you do this—every time you pause and notice and name and stay—you're making a choice. You're choosing yourself. You're choosing loyalty to what's true for you. You're choosing to meet yourself instead of abandoning yourself.
The witnessing you've been looking for? It starts here. With you. For you. By you.
When we become our own witness, we stop abandoning ourselves. We stop performing. We start living from what's actually true. This is the work of self-loyalty—and it's the most direct path home to ourselves.
Sources:
Tronick, E. Z. (1989). "Emotions and emotional communication in infants." American Psychologist, 44(2), 112-119.
Neff, K. D. (2003). "Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself." Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101.
If this resonated and you want to go further:
The Inner Authority Reset is a self-guided experience designed to help you slow down, hear yourself, and take one grounded act of self-loyalty today.
