How to stop seeking approval from others
If we're noticing this pattern, we're already paying attention to something real.
What approval-seeking looks like in real life
Approval-seeking modifies what we really want to say. It shows up as adjusting our plans, softening our thoughts or opinions, or staying quiet to avoid disapproval. We might prepare ourselves to stand in our truth, feel the pressure in the moment, and then override it for something that feels more acceptable to others.
In the body, it can feel tense and heady. Shoulders subtly hunched, as if protecting the heart. A quieter voice. A nervous system that stays on alert, constantly scanning for cues about whether we're okay. When approval comes, there's relief. It can feel like confirmation that we made the right choice, even when it wasn't what we truly wanted. Sometimes we don't even check in with what we want at all. Everything gets filtered through the need for approval first.
When approval doesn't come, the experience can feel unsettling. We may feel defeated, unsupported, or start second-guessing ourselves. Underneath both outcomes, there's a steady override happening. Quiet, ongoing, and slowly draining.
Over time, this way of relating becomes automatic.
What approval-seeking actually is
Approval-seeking is an externalized reference point. Instead of orienting to our own inner world, our attention moves outward toward other people's reactions. We adjust who we are or what we want in order to keep connection intact and relationships feeling safe.
Approval can feel like connection, and it often comes at the expense of being aligned with ourselves. Validation feels safe. Alignment can feel risky. Over time, being liked starts to matter more than being honest with ourselves.
It's also worth saying plainly: it hurts when something we want isn't approved of by people we care about. Parents. Partners. Authority figures. Loved ones. The work isn't pretending that doesn't matter. The work is learning how to choose ourselves anyway.
Why this pattern forms
Approval-seeking usually forms early. It develops through subtle emotional feedback where warmth or closeness shifts depending on how we show up. Connection feels available only when we're agreeable or easy. We learn to read the room and adjust ourselves in order to stay connected.
Over time, approval becomes linked with safety. And safety is a core human need. This is a survival strategy. At one point, it worked. It protected connection, and that mattered.
The strategy to adapt became automatic and never got updated.
The quiet cost of living this way
When approval becomes the compass, the cost builds slowly. We may notice chronic self-doubt, difficulty making decisions without checking with others, or a persistent sense of resentment or exhaustion. We lose access to what we actually want because we've learned to check everyone else first.
This isn't a dramatic collapse. It's erosion. Over time, the override shows up elsewhere. Burnout. Self-destructive behaviors. Choices that feel out of character.
There's also a quieter loss. We don't get to fully live our lives. The experiences we wanted, the risks we would have taken, the version of us that didn't need permission, all get deferred.
Why “just stop caring what people think” doesn’t work
This pattern isn't something we can turn off with willpower. It was learned early, before logic was involved, and it became the default. Telling ourselves to stop caring often reinforces self-override rather than resolving it.
The body learned this pattern long before we had language for it. And forcing independence can deepen disconnection because it bypasses the underlying need for safety and belonging rather than addressing it.
What actually helps
Noticing is the first step. If we're here, we've already begun.
From here, the work is about rebuilding an internal reference point. That means learning to notice approval-seeking as it's happening, pausing instead of immediately overriding ourselves, and practicing staying with what we feel and want, even briefly.
For many of us, practicing this with the people we love most is the hardest part. Sometimes it helps to begin in safer spaces. New relationships. One trusted friend. Environments where we're allowed to experiment with being ourselves while we learn.
Over time, it becomes choosing ourselves again and again, even when someone else disagrees. Recognizing that we are the agents of our own lives, and that other people's reactions are not ours to manage.
When we state what we want and it isn't approved, the practice is allowing the discomfort instead of resisting it. Sitting with it. Noticing that we survive it. Remembering that we know what is best for us.
An invitation forward
If you’re noticing this pattern, that matters. One simple place to start is writing. Just you and the page. Write down 100 things you want without editing or filtering. The volume matters. It makes it harder to perform, justify, or choose correctly. Over time, what you want begins to surface without permission.
If this resonated and you want to go further:
The Inner Authority Reset is a self-guided experience designed to help you slow down, hear yourself, and take one grounded act of self-loyalty today.
