Why do I abandon myself in relationships?
If this feels familiar, you’re not alone.
There is usually a consistent pattern underneath why this happens.
What self-abandonment actually is
Self-abandonment is the habit of overriding our inner truth to preserve connection. It's knowing what we feel, want, or need, and reshaping it so it feels more acceptable to someone else.
It usually happens quietly. Without conscious choice. Over time it becomes so familiar it feels invisible. We sense something is off but can't quite name it.
How the pattern forms
It usually starts from an early age during moments when being ourselves led to correction, disapproval, or the message that our truth wasn't welcome.
The nervous system learns fast. If expressing our truth once led to rejection, we begin to self-edit. Self-silencing becomes the strategy that keeps connection intact and keeps us safe.
We adapted as a way of surviving. The adaptation simply never got updated.
The quiet cost
The cost accumulates slowly. When our inner signals are consistently overridden, our internal reference point starts to fade. We lose clarity around what we want. Boundaries get harder. A low-grade disconnection sets in.
For some of us, it shows up as exhaustion or numbness. For others, it shows up in choices that don't reflect who we actually are.
At some point, many of us arrive at the same realization: I don't actually know myself anymore.
Why awareness alone isn’t enough
We can recognize the pattern and still not know how to stop it. That's common.
Self-abandonment loosens when the part of us that learned to override itself is met with understanding. That part existed to protect us. It stays until we learn to work with it, not around it.
What actually helps
It starts with learning how to stay connected to ourselves again.
Awareness lets us notice when we're overriding. Staying connected lets us choose differently. Rebuilding self-trust means learning to recognize our inner signals, stay with them, and respond without immediately negotiating them away.
The goal is to become internally anchored.
A gentle next step
If you found your way here through a search, that alone matters. It means something in you is already paying attention.
A practice many of us find supportive is Tara Brach's RAIN framework, which offers a simple way to recognize and respond to inner experience with compassion.
If this resonated and you want to go further:
The Inner Authority Reset is a self-guided experience designed to help you slow down, hear yourself, and take one grounded act of self-loyalty today.
