How to set boundaries when you've been abandoning yourself

I didn't know what boundaries were

I was 36, walking alone on a beach in the Dominican Republic. A guy approached me. He was friendly, persistent, relentless. He walked alongside me. He carried on conversation. He wanted my number.

I didn't want to give him my number. I didn't want to be talking with him. I just wanted my solo time on the beach. I think I said this once, but it didn't get him off of me. He kept going.

I hated it. I was being nice.

I eventually gave him my number because I could see something good in some things he said, the way he framed things. But if it were really up to me, I wouldn't have given him my number. I would've walked along the beach alone that day.

A few days later, I had a session with my therapist. I mentioned what happened. She said a word: boundaries.

That word was foreign to me. I had to look into it after our call.

That's when I realized I struggled with boundaries. I didn't just struggle with them. I didn't have them. I didn't even know they were supposed to exist.

What no boundaries looked like

No boundaries showed up everywhere in my life, but especially in relationships with men.

I said yes to things I didn't want to do. I let people cross lines. I didn't speak up when something felt off. I felt like certain men weren't treating me right, but I would always try to see the good, the potential. I shared everything with people instead of having some privacy, especially with my parents.

I remember lashing out at two men in the past when they overstepped my boundaries. I didn't even know they were doing it at the time. I just knew something felt wrong. The tension built. Then I exploded.

The worst of me came out. Negative energy. Resentment. A complete loss of my sense of self.

Looking back, the lashing out wasn't the problem. It was the signal. It was my body saying: you've been betraying yourself for so long, this is the only way I can get your attention.

The cost of no boundaries

When we don't have boundaries, we lose ourselves in pieces. Small concessions. Tiny yeses that should've been nos. Moments where we override what we know because we're trying to keep things smooth.

We lose time. We lose energy. We lose clarity about who we are and what we actually want. We stay in situations longer than we should. We give more than we have. We resent people for crossing lines we never drew.

The cost isn't just external. It's internal. We stop trusting ourselves. We become strangers to our own needs. We don't know what we want anymore because we've spent so long managing what everyone else wants.

For me, the cost was stress, rumination, self-betrayal. The cost was relationships that drained me. The cost was not recognizing myself anymore.

Why boundaries felt impossible

Even after I learned the word boundaries, actually setting them felt challenging.

I felt guilty. I was afraid of disappointing people. I was afraid of conflict. I was afraid of being seen as difficult, cold, selfish.

Boundaries felt like punishment. Like I was withholding something I owed. Like saying no meant I didn't care.

I didn't realize that boundaries weren't about other people. They were about me choosing myself.

That shift didn't happen overnight. It started in the Dominican Republic. It deepened over years of practice. It's still deepening now.

The connection between boundaries and self-abandonment

Boundaries aren't are about stopping the pattern of abandoning ourselves.

Every time we say yes when we mean no, we're abandoning ourselves. Every time we let someone cross a line we've already felt cross, we're abandoning ourselves. Every time we stay quiet when something feels off, we're abandoning ourselves.

We think boundaries are about them. They are purely about us.

We think the hard part is getting other people to respect our boundaries. But actually, the hard part is respecting them ourselves.

We override our own limits before anyone else does. We talk ourselves out of what we know. We soften the boundary before we've even stated it. We leave loopholes. We apologize for having needs.

Boundaries without self-loyalty don't hold. We set them, then we negotiate them away the moment someone pushes back.

How to start setting boundaries

Setting boundaries when you've been abandoning yourself for years doesn't happen all at once. It's a practice. We start small. We notice. We redirect.

Here's what that looks like:

• Notice when you're about to override yourself. Your body will tell you. Your stomach tightens. Your shoulders lift. Your jaw clenches. Your hands grip. Pay attention to those signals.

• Name the boundary internally first. You don't have to say it out loud yet. Just acknowledge it to yourself. “I don't want to do this.” “I don't want to give my number.” “I need space.” “I'm not available for this.”

• State the boundary simply. You don't need to explain. You don't need to justify. You don't need to soften it with apologies or excuses. "I'm not available." "I need to think about that." "No, that doesn't work for me." That's it.

• Let the discomfort sit. Boundaries feel uncomfortable at first. Guilt will show up. The urge to backtrack will show up. Let it sit. Don't fix it. Don't smooth it over. Just let the boundary hold.

• Notice what happens when you don't hold the boundary. This is where the real learning happens. When we abandon ourselves, we feel it. Stress. Rumination. Resentment. Self-betrayal. The pattern repeats. Notice the cost. Use that as motivation.

• Come back to yourself. You'll override yourself again tomorrow. Maybe in an hour. The work isn't about never abandoning yourself again. The work is about catching yourself sooner and redirecting with less force.

What shifted for me

Once I connected boundaries to self-abandonment, so much changed. I realized the worst came out of me when I didn't respect my own boundaries. The lashing out. The resentment. The rumination. All of it was my body's way of saying: you've been betraying yourself.

I started establishing boundaries because I didn't have any and I couldn't keep living that way.

Holding a boundary feels like honoring myself. Loving myself. Choosing myself even when it's uncomfortable.

Not holding a boundary feels like self-betrayal. Stress. Negative feelings. The same old pattern.

The practice is simple. The execution is hard:

We notice when we're about to abandon ourselves.
We state the boundary.
We let it hold.
We come back to ourselves when we've drifted.

Boundaries are self-loyalty in action

Boundaries are commitments we make to ourselves.

We say: I will not abandon myself to keep you comfortable. I will not override what I know to avoid conflict. I will not betray my own limits to stay likable.

The boundary is about us coming back to ourselves.

We practice. We notice. We redirect. We honor ourselves.

This article is based on lived experience and is not a substitute for therapeutic or medical advice. If you're struggling with boundaries in the context of abuse, trauma, or safety concerns, please consult a qualified mental health professional.

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